REBIRTH OF A DREAM

When I was a young man, I was obsessed with winning and with fame. I had somehow grown up believing in a certain Manifest Destiny, and it was my dream to "be" Somebody by "doing" Something Great. I would be a Famous Musician, a Great Songwriter, a Biggie in the Brotherhood. I practiced long hours in those early years, though I confess it was in order to be impressive to people.

Even as a Christian, and as a full-time minister, my prideful ambition surfaced in secret goals of wanting to be known for my reputation for humility (of all things) and consecrated dedication to the Lord. I literally could envision myself receiving an award, like "Most Humble Man of the Year." No, of the decade. Of my generation.

My pride was so overwhelming and my selfish ambition so consuming that they were destroying me spiritually. I literally couldn't win. If I wrote and published and recorded, it would eat me up. If I gave it all up, I did that for wrong reasons, too. Perhaps worst of all, if I tried and failed, it would devastate me. Rejection letters from publishers sent me into a funk for weeks. Oh, who could deliver me from this heart of mine? How does a man remove his sinful heart? Wretched man!

For many years, I have therefore alternated between prideful pursuit of my dream and running away from it. I am a Respectaholic, living for recognition and yet afraid of failing or hurting others in my attempt to get it. Eaten up by jealousy toward those who have that elusive respect, and judging as unspiritual those whom I discern to have fallen prey to my own besetting sin. This has been a very personal battle, hard to face, harder to confess.

In the meantime, there have been these encouragements from others that I do have, in fact, a calling from God to do something. This summer, following the strong advice that came through multiple prophetic words, I hope to do a recording of some worship songs. To disobey that calling out of fear of myself would be to give in to the ironic sin of false humility.

I am discovering something, just barely glimpsing a wonderful truth: It is possible to do something that previously would have been selfish, but to do it out of a motive to serve others. When God calls, my response should always be, "Yes, I am willing." In the past, my prayers were more along the lines of, "God, will You let me?" I was lord and He was my servant. Now I am seeking to once again become the obedient servant, saying yes to His call. I have said no to the call for half of a lifetime, trying to have right motives and get myself under control. But I see that it is possible to defeat, with great prayer and the good work of the Holy Spirit, the wrong motive and still fulfill the vision.

"LORD, I seek to obey. Not my dream, but Yours, Lord. Not my will, but Thine. Deliver me from impure motives, heal me of my secret sins, and use me to serve others. Not to us, O Lord, not to us, but to your name be glory forever. In the name of Jesus, who submitted His will to the Father's for the joy that was set before Him. Amen."
-ker