SLEEPING IN THE BOAT

Jonah was running from God, and his unremitting guilt had him in a boat, hiding and sleeping, of all things, in the middle of a life-threatening storm. There is a sleep of escape.

I think that I and many of my friends have slept in a boat this way. Some of us use drugs to keep the conscience numb. Others escape in pornography, in reading novels or watching movies or listening to music. I tend to busy myself with tasks that, on the surface, appear to be good. But when we face ourselves at the end of the day, we know that we've been sleeping in the boat, waiting out the storm, denying our guilt.

Jesus also slept in a boat during a terrible storm. Of course, He was not running from God, but was walking with Him. He had the sleep of peace.

What's the difference between the sleep of Jesus and the sleep of Jonah? It is the difference between amusement and recreation. A-musement means "non-thinking." Re-creation means to "create again." In the case of Jesus, His was the sleep of well-deserved rest when there was an opportunity. We must spend about 1/3 of our lives sleeping, after all.

So, then, whether I eat or drink, or even sleep, I can do it all to the glory of God.

"LORD, let me sleep in You, not away from You. Let me walk in You, not away from You. Let me live and move and have my being, consciously in You, even when I am unconscious. I ask this in the name of Jesus, knowing that Your Holy Spirit is what enables me to do these things. Amen."
-ker

JACOB, MY ROLE MODEL?

Jacob is a strange and uncomfortable model for a Christian. He was ambitious and scheming from the start, and never seemed to repent of it. For that matter, he was never rebuked for it by God.

Jacob started his life grasping the heel of his older twin brother, and he never let go of his pursuit for blessing. He bribed his brother Esau with lentil stew and thus stole his birthright. Then he plotted with his mother's help to deceive his father and receive his brother's blessing. Having used his cunning to gain both Esau's birthright and blessing, Jacob fled for his life to one of his mother's relatives. There, he entered into several years of negotiations and work, which he leveraged into two wives, twelve sons and many sheep and goats. By then, Jacob needed to sneak away again, having yet again burned his bridges with relatives.

Jacob decides to return home and try to make things right with his brother. On the way, he learns that his brother is coming to meet him with 400 (armed?) men. Fearful that his relationship has escalated from jouvenile fistfights all the way to warfare, Jacob sends bribes ahead and hangs behind to see if they will work. Overnight, a man comes to Jacob, and for some reason Jacob picks a fight and wrestles with him. Wrestling uses every muscle, and they were both exhausted after only three minutes, yet the fight went on way past reason. The visitor even pops Jacob's hip out of socket, causing permanent injury, yet this ambitious grasper grapples on, all night. In the morning, the stranger says he must leave, and Jacob still will not let him go until he says, "Uncle." (In this case, until he blesses Jacob.) He doesn't even know the man's name, and he insists on getting blessed.

At this moment, God honors our anti-hero with a strange covenantal blessing. He reveals that this was, in fact, an angel that Jacob had been wrestling with all night, and that Jacob has won. From now on, he gets a new name (Israel) because he has wrestled with men (Esau and Laban, especially) and with God (this angel) and has won.

Yet, before Jacob was even born, he had a covenantal promise from God. In His supreme sovereignty, God Himself had chosen Jacob over Esau. Jacob's father didn't agree with God's choice and tried to follow tradition, but Jacob took God's promise to him seriously. He went after God's promise to him with all that he had. He was shrewd, he was always thinking, and he was incredibly ambitious. But maybe, just maybe, Jacob had godly motives in his hot pursuit of what God had told him was his.

So, as I wrestle with my own inner demons and motives, and as I debate over whether or not to pursue all-out the manifest destiny or the dream that God Himself has given me, maybe old Jacob/Israel really IS my hero. Without wavering, he went after what God had promised to give him. While I do a two-step (forward, backward, side to side), Israel ran competitively. He won a marathon, and I am still not sure whether I am in the race. So, which one is the man of faith?

Is it possible that I have been overly sensitive about my own motives? Should I still have pursued what God was calling me to do, WHILE wrestling with my motives, rather than waiting to move forward until I was pure in heart? Which is the man of faith?

"LORD, I am not pure in heart, but You have let me see You, just as You allowed Jacob to see You. And I am not sure about where my paths will lead, but You are. All I know is what You have told me to do. And so I say yes to You. Yes. Always yes. Forgive me for doubting, for holding back, for saying no or wait. In the name of Jesus, I say yes to You today."
-ker

REBIRTH OF A DREAM

When I was a young man, I was obsessed with winning and with fame. I had somehow grown up believing in a certain Manifest Destiny, and it was my dream to "be" Somebody by "doing" Something Great. I would be a Famous Musician, a Great Songwriter, a Biggie in the Brotherhood. I practiced long hours in those early years, though I confess it was in order to be impressive to people.

Even as a Christian, and as a full-time minister, my prideful ambition surfaced in secret goals of wanting to be known for my reputation for humility (of all things) and consecrated dedication to the Lord. I literally could envision myself receiving an award, like "Most Humble Man of the Year." No, of the decade. Of my generation.

My pride was so overwhelming and my selfish ambition so consuming that they were destroying me spiritually. I literally couldn't win. If I wrote and published and recorded, it would eat me up. If I gave it all up, I did that for wrong reasons, too. Perhaps worst of all, if I tried and failed, it would devastate me. Rejection letters from publishers sent me into a funk for weeks. Oh, who could deliver me from this heart of mine? How does a man remove his sinful heart? Wretched man!

For many years, I have therefore alternated between prideful pursuit of my dream and running away from it. I am a Respectaholic, living for recognition and yet afraid of failing or hurting others in my attempt to get it. Eaten up by jealousy toward those who have that elusive respect, and judging as unspiritual those whom I discern to have fallen prey to my own besetting sin. This has been a very personal battle, hard to face, harder to confess.

In the meantime, there have been these encouragements from others that I do have, in fact, a calling from God to do something. This summer, following the strong advice that came through multiple prophetic words, I hope to do a recording of some worship songs. To disobey that calling out of fear of myself would be to give in to the ironic sin of false humility.

I am discovering something, just barely glimpsing a wonderful truth: It is possible to do something that previously would have been selfish, but to do it out of a motive to serve others. When God calls, my response should always be, "Yes, I am willing." In the past, my prayers were more along the lines of, "God, will You let me?" I was lord and He was my servant. Now I am seeking to once again become the obedient servant, saying yes to His call. I have said no to the call for half of a lifetime, trying to have right motives and get myself under control. But I see that it is possible to defeat, with great prayer and the good work of the Holy Spirit, the wrong motive and still fulfill the vision.

"LORD, I seek to obey. Not my dream, but Yours, Lord. Not my will, but Thine. Deliver me from impure motives, heal me of my secret sins, and use me to serve others. Not to us, O Lord, not to us, but to your name be glory forever. In the name of Jesus, who submitted His will to the Father's for the joy that was set before Him. Amen."
-ker