THE SABBATICAL "CRISIS"

I am on sabbatical until the first of January! On one level, I am very excited to have the time to do those projects that I have been putting off for a decade of life. But on another level, this sabbatical is raising surprising questions to me about how I am spending my earthly days. And so I have found myself intrigued that a certain depression has crept over me as my official sabbatical date of June 1 arrives.

The big questions of how to spend my temporal moments can be put off indefinitely by the immediate demands of a job and the endless string of chores in a family. Yes, before I die I want to get around to this or that, but not today; my to-do list today is already dictated to me.

So almost a panic arises from seemingly nowhere. I'm like a kid in a candy shop; I want me one of them, and a bunch of that, and gimme some of everything. And if I'm going to get to it all, then I have to offload those responsibilities that are still around my neck. I still have administrative things to take care of at the school, still have relationships with alumni, still have concerts and programs to organize, still have course plans to write and teaching staff to hire and invitations to teach courses and lead retreats, and suddenly I realize that I could be busy for these seven months and still never get around to what I want to do.

Which leads me to a deeper crisis. I know what I want to do, what I long to do, what God has even called me to do, but I have a hard time finding balance in life. I question, deep down, whether I am worthy of being able to pursue my little quests. Do I somehow "owe" everyone something, such that I cannot have a day each week, or seven months twice in a lifetime, to do my "own" projects? I work from a very deeply-seated shame base, and it seems to shape my self-image and my priorities.

On one level, my shame base keeps me in line. It keeps me from running after selfish ambition and wordly pursuits. But on another level, it cripples me from discerning God's call from the "oughts" and "shoulds" of my life, and leaves me wound so tight that eventually my main spring breaks.

"LORD, deliver me from selfishness, from false guilt, and from shame. Let me walk in the freedom of Your Spirit, hearing Your voice, discerning between the good and the best, and learning the art of living with myself in Your world. Let me count my days, so that I can please You, one God without beginning or end. Amen."
-ker