HEARTS ON FIRE

Where does the coldness of heart come from? Day after day I live among the Holy Things: theology, the Bible, worship, ministry, Jesus. And even in this season I focus on The Passion of the Christ: His journey, betrayal, prayers, service, Last Supper, beatings, scourging, mockery, Crucifixion, , burial, resurrection. Then, in daily interaction with people I deal with the concept of confession, repentance, baptism, heart change, spiritual rebirth. Why am I less and less moved by it all? What has become of my cold, calloused heart?

Have I compromised? Have I begun to assume that I have somehow merited grace? Am I just tired, or perhaps depressed? Is there a physiological reason for complacency?

I suspect that the source is a seared conscience. Little compromises, mostly in allowing sin in and around me, freeze me into not being shocked anymore by sin. Call it the postmodern funk, or the Emergent Malaise. But my faith has lost its sense of wonder, of simplicity, of comforting naivety. Belief has become this complex set of words and philosophic concepts. But I have grown tired of it. I need radical discipleship to once again grip my heart. I want to be broken, and to have it soak down (or up) to my emotions.

The trip to Israel has helped to renew me. Watching The Passion and celebrating the penitential season is sensitizing me again. Reading my Bible is certainly a help, as is daily prayer with Ellen and our children. I am hoping for a collective renewal among the lead worshipers and musicians in the next couple of weeks. I would like a full night's sleep, and to get caught up at work. But still my soul is searching to get back what I have lost.

"LORD, awaken my sleepy heart. Let me see my sinfulness, and let me see the beauty of Your sacrifice and Your grace. Let me love You with every fiber of my being, and let me serve You with joy and humility. I don't want to be just a pretty good fellow, helping other pretty good folks do a little better. I want to join the fellowship of the broken and restored. Break through my pride and let me love Jesus as I so desperately wish to. Amen."
-ker