BLESSING MY ENEMY

Last night Ellen and I were talking during our date time, and I found myself identifying three "enemies" I have known during my life. Actually, they were friends, but they each elicited in me a strong negative feeling, way out of proportion to the alleged wrong they did to me. There was a common thread to the three: God blessed them, and I was jealous of their easy success in spite of their flaws. I was like the wicked servant who was given one talent (Matt 25) and buried it in the ground. I viewed God as unjust, rewarding one person who didn't deserve it while punishing another.

When I discover who my enemies have been, and I see why their actions have bothered me so much, I suppose the next step is to recognize my own besetting sin that causes my strong reaction. Here is my besetting sin: I am ashamed to admit it, but I am selfishly ambitious, and I am constantly (by that I mean all day long, with hardly a break) viewing life through the lens of advancing myself in the eyes of others. Pride is my besetting sin. I am a Respectaholic. I know that everyone is, especially men. But I mean that I am over-the-top consumed with self-promotion. My outward actions all tie into this self-promotion; I am either pursuing it (in which case I am guilty of selfish ambition) or I am running from it (in which case I am taking the Alternative Route of vying for Most Holy Man Award). Oh, wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of sin and death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord.

Here's the next step for me: When I asked Ellen about enemies, after hearing about mine, she said, "I was just thinking how people probably view me that way, perhaps jealous that I have been unfairly blessed in my life." Ouch! I was so consumed with self-focus that for all these years I have hardly been aware that others may have viewed me, seen my flaws, and struggled with my having been so blessed by God. I immediately realized that there are several dear friends in my life who have probably at the least noticed how God has blessed me, and very possibly (if they are like me) have struggled not to be eaten up with envy over my station in life. It's all a matter of perspective, I guess.

"LORD, I confess to You that I have continued to harbor envy in my heart, running in the background of my life. You already know that, and you have blessed me anyway. Teach me to be content, truly, and to love others, truly, and to serve You wholly. As Gary Chapman wrote, please help me to 'be the best that I can be at who I am without a thought for me.' Sincerely Yours, ken"